
Marise Hyman
29 January 2025
What on earth is Emotional Intelligence really?
Where it started
If someone had asked me this question 15 years ago I would have told them, get lost. It’s a waste of time… Little did I know at that time, that my THEN lack of self-awareness of my human nature as an emotional being was the very reason for many problems plaguing my existence and hampering my growth and fulfillment in all areas of my life…
I felt trapped in a negative fog that constantly needed a quick fix/escape to feel good for a while. I felt depressed and powerless about the polarised state of our Planet and People. I felt ridiculously inadequate in my body, my career, my relationships… My gut health was shouting at me and I was constantly anxious and stressed… second-guessing myself. The worst part is that I didn’t even realize any of the above! I just powered through and plastered on a happy face.
I would engage in drinking my favorite beverages, eating soothing snacks, going on shopping expeditions, traveling to exciting locations, and endlessly scrolling on social media. I would lash out at innocent people around me, or I would obsess about my looks. By doing this, I continually numbed the signs of what I now know is a total disconnection with my human nature. After 16 years of working life, I had a prestigious global financial qualification sought by many, but lacked the most important of life’s qualifications - the actual seat of my human intelligence and my highest potential.
Where it clicked
It was only when I experienced burnout during my global finance career, and when I became a parent as an expat (from South Africa to Luxembourg) that I noticed the need for change, and to reinvent myself. I embarked on a journey of self-discovery and healing, educating myself on everything I could get my hands on. During the healing process, I realized my passion and talent to use my experience and learnings to support specifically women, couples, groups, and parents to be more efficient and successful.
As I continued my education, I was forced to learn about concepts like “Relationship to Self” and “Emotional Well-being” and how pertinent these topics are when we are holistically looking at Peak Performance in life, health, “success” and sleep.
One of the prescribed books that drove it all home for me was “Molecules of Emotion” by neuroscientist Dr Candace Pert. Her pioneering research revealed how the chemicals inside our bodies form a dynamic information network, linking mind and body, and how this awareness empowers us to understand our emotional selves, and our body-mind connection. And of course, the massive relevance of "gut feelings”, beyond gut symptoms from a dysfunctional digestive system I was so used to.
I furthermore experimented for many years with traditional and alternative routes and found the biggest benefit from the “Birth into Being Method” and “Head Trash Clearance Method” which I also trained in subsequently. This all led to me learning and working on myself and with clients around Emotional Intelligence and Emotional Well-being as the gatekeepers of our “success and health” at work, at home, at school, for flourishing living and loving of ourselves, others, and our planet…
I realized that we are anything but powerless in making this world a better place. In fact – we are powerful co-creators of our reality and our impact on/with others in our circles of influence. Once we realize this and take responsibility for our Emotional Intelligence, we can use it as a navigational superpower for good, taking us to meaningful, sustainable destinations while we also appreciate and enjoy the actual journey!
Emotional Intelligence
What then exactly is Emotional Intelligence? Think of it like being a Conscious Captain of SHIPs. In particular of Leader-SHIPs and of Relation-SHIPs. A Conscious Captain not only sailing on autopilot, but is actually conscious of the intricate inner SHIP navigation and engine powering all our SHIPS (our Inner Culture), and conscious of the impact of the wider ocean, icebergs which I see as our “Outer Culture” impacting all our SHIPS.
These SHIPS we sail as captains in our life can either be fun cruise ship journeys to beautiful destinations OR more like the Titanic, our SHIPS keep sinking and sailing into icebergs and pirate ships that sabotage us. Consciously embarking on the conscious captain journey of developing our Emotional Intelligence or SHIP navigation is the fertile soil for innovation in our lives, in our shared world, and a revival of our true humanity and potential individually and together, in the ocean that connects our SHIPs.
Our focus should be:
How we can better relate whenever we lead and inspire others and ourselves. (LeaderSHIP)
Realizing who is leading inside of us, in our relationSHIPs with others and ourselves. (RelationSHIPs)
And since we humans are wired as social beings, this emancipatory, non-linear journey comes with many unexpected icebergs… and can be loads easier with a life raft! Aka compassionate care to help us balance our SHIP engine, uncover blind spots and unsustainable coping patterns, and can look like learning. We need to practice:
To listen, interpret, value, and act effectively upon our “inner world” (inner compass)
To intentionally develop and embody the right balance of human skills like integrity, presence, perspective skills, connectedness, co-creation skills, trust, humility, and courage
To let go of “musts” and “shoulds” floating around in the oceanic culture connecting us and instead,
Curiously discover the rich, vibrant, and colorful marine culture below the obvious surface
And if we want to courageously and authentically go for it, it can involve the compassionate integration of hidden wounds, emotional neglect and limiting early life limbic imprints we all carry to some degree that rob us of our full humanity and conscious navigation potential to orient inclusively rather than in polarising ways.
The byproduct of a still emotionally immature society passing on outdated SHIP engines with shinier and shinier exteriors generation after generation…
“Rolling in the deep” like Adele would say…
So when someone would ask me today, “What on earth is Emotional Intelligence really?”, I could go on and on and give really extensively long and geeky rational and evidence-based definitions or I could simply say… “Emotional Intelligence (“EI”) or more importantly socio- emotional intelligence is the basis of Everything. The seat of our wisdom. And is often defined much too narrowly. Focusing more on sociability, sensitivity, and likability type elements, often seen in the realm of fluffy, soft skills reserved for women, means we’re missing critical elements of EI that could make us stronger, more effective leaders in our circles of influence.
Research from Rutgers University of outstanding leaders over the last decades shows us that having a well-balanced array of specific EI capabilities is what equips our leaderSHIP to sail through complex weather and ocean tides with skill and wisdom. Broadly speaking, EI addresses the emotional, personal, social, and survival dimensions of intelligence, which are often more important for daily functioning than the more traditional cognitive aspects of intelligence.
EI is a predictor of sustainable long-term success in life and work because it reflects how a person applies knowledge (from various sources internally and externally) to an immediate situation using a set of emotional and social skills dictating how well we:
Perceive and express ourselves
Develop and maintain social relationships
Cope with challenges
Use emotional information in an effective and meaningful way
In a way, to measure emotional intelligence is to measure one’s “common sense” and ability to get along in the world, and we all know our world and people need us to become better at it. Pronto.
Link to sustainability
This is where our power towards “Sustainability” or the UN’s 5P’s (People, Planet, Prosperity4all, Peace, Partnership) truly lies.
When I work with individuals and organizations to up their performance, leadership, and fulfillment professionally and personally (these are linked), measuring EI as a mapping tool for growth** is a very enriching entry point to help move from only mind-informed grey living to vibrantly colorful body-mind-heart (and more if you want) informed thriving.
Measuring EI for professional reasons is gaining traction, but it is certainly not everybody’s cup of tea, and for some, it can stifle motivation to self-develop.
Therefore another common entry point for women, couples, and leaders I sail with, is to holistically address the actual dysfunction/ambition to perform better in their lives, updating inner SHIP engines (aka raising EI) by systematically integrating earlier EI or SHIP engine “shapers”, in the context of the ocean, icebergs and other pirate ships.
This frees up new usable SHIP energy that was previously leaking…Making the impossible possible… with this gain in wisdom. Translating to creativity/innovation. And deep connection and fulfillment. Not only sustainably but regeneratively. Ultimately, it is more of what we all want AND what our world needs right now.
Footnotes:
*as said by Dr Gabor Mate in “When the Body Says No” and Besser van der Kolk's “The Body Keeps the Score”
** From more than 20 years of research and development, the Emotional Quotient Inventory (EQ-i) is a psychometrically sound, validated EI assessment instrument, applied to EI assessment and development at the individual, team, and organizational levels. One of the most respected and recognized EI assessment instruments worldwide, the EQ-i 2.0 and EQ 360 2.0 I am certified in, provides a robust and intuitive framework as a mapping tool for growth and leadership development.